Finding my Faith

I've been struggling with this issue for a very long time. I've always felt that there was something "more", but never knew what it was. Still don't, really. I've never been content with what i believe. On one hand i really want to believe that there is a God and he created us all and we'll be with him again. But my logical "have to see it to believe it" brain of mine takes over and i start doubting. How do you have that faith? Chuck told me the other night that that is what faith is. Believing in something with no evidence. Which i guess some could argue saying that there is enough historical evidence to believe without a doubt. I've thought about that, and in my limited knowledge i still think "Well how do I KNOW that there is a God in Heaven?". (Obviously i need to do a LOT more reading and research)

Being raised in the LDS heavy state that i was, this has been something i've thought about a lot since i was little. You cant really escape religion around here! But it's just been the last few years (since my Dad died and my son was born) that it's really started to weigh heavy on my heart. More specifically, the last few weeks have brought it front and center. My youngest brother was in two potentially life threatening car accidents within two weeks, but barely had a scratch on him. I felt in my heart that our dad was watching over him. Then i was talking to my other brother and he said the same thing. We both came to the conclusion that the first accident was my dad "teaching" Carson defensive driving, because he would have been the one to do that had he been here, which probably very well saved his life. And the second accident was dad teaching Carson that doing stupid things in vehicles is not smart. Because, goodness knows, my dad has been there and done that! lol! (BTW, thanks a lot dad....why MY car??? ;) Sheesh.....)

Then the other day, i bought a new CD. I love music, particularly country music. With country music comes God. I've always loved country songs about faith. They always make me feel better about my standing with God. For some reason, this particular song on this CD hit me harder than the rest. It's about a man telling his granddaughter about building their home out of the heart of the wood, and making a guitar and the music being in the heart of the wood. The final verse is about the cross made of wood. The last line says "it held the son of God like it should but i bet it broke the heart of the wood". I cry every time i hear it. There's also a song called "Loved the Hell" about a woman loving her husband so much she loved the hell right out of him. (which is a different blog for a different day!) .....And one about saying goodbye to a loved one that has died. Seriously, i cry throughout the whole CD, but i still listen to it over and over! (It's Joey + Rory, by the way. Google them, they are amazing)

Anyways, my whole point of this rambling is; i've come to the point in my life that i really feel compelled to find what it is i've been wondering about for so long. I've started doing a bit of research and i found a great article that made me feel pretty confident that i'm not completely hopeless. I saved a quote from it:


"Faith causes questions and seeks answers from God and transforms, it sees the mystery of God and his grace and seeks to know and become obedient to God"

Which makes me think, if faith causes questions, and i have questions, i must have faith, right??

And boy do i have a lot of questions!! Like, do we believe in God and heaven and angels because it makes us feel better or is there really an afterlife? Where do i start finding the denomination that works for me? Or do i really need to have a denomination? Cant i just study the bible and just know i have my faith in my heart? Does cussing and having an occasional drink put me on the fast track to hell? Not to mention that i'm fairly certain i've broke a commandment or two in my past.

In that same article, i found another bit of info i really liked. The source surprised me, but it was very simple. It is said that in the Qur'an, Allah says "Surely, those who believe, those who are Jewish, the Christians, and the converts; anyone who believes in GOD, and believes in the Last Day, and leads a righteous life, will receive their recompense from their Lord. They have nothing to fear, nor will they grieve"

That is the closest i've come so far to finding something similar to what i *think* i believe. If i believe in God, and live life like he says i should, i'll be fine. I just hope it says somewhere in there that i can make mistakes and still be ok.

So my first step is to go dig out our bible (Which is going to be a feat all it's own, considering the half-packed mess my house is...) and just start reading. I'm sure that will open a whole new mess of questions, but i guess thats what it's all about, right?

Thanks for reading, and if you feel so inclined, share with me your version of faith!